I considered weaving these thoughts into one cohesive essay but I don’t have the energy. They’re also very stupid. So I’m going to make this short and sweet and leave them exactly as they are.
I’ve been on such a long fast from posting anything at all; it might be best to reintroduce solids slowly anyway.
So here are some lil’ bits.
Don’t take them too seriously.
Thoughts I’ve Had Lately
Instagram:
Under every Lana del Rey photo where she has a cigarette in her mouth, there are comments of, “mother” / “so hot” / “need this”.
Under photos of Carrie Bradshaw doing it the comments read, “ugh” / “this is disgusting” / “so unnecessary”.
TIL: I’m not pretty enough to pull off smoking.
I’d like to find a ‘healthy’ way to use social media but I’ve still yet to figure it out.
For now I mostly stick to checking news and educational accounts and scrolling through my discover feed which serves as more of a Pinterest board than anything.
It consists of camp clips from the 70’s, old film stills, cute animals, and hot famous people.
How do I even try to begin posting again when it never felt natural to begin with?
I think too much.
But I’m getting the sense that other people are getting tired of these apps too, which gives me hope for humanity.
Blink Fitness:
1) I’m convinced that they play the worst of the worst Top 100 here. Everything sounds like the generic version of a song that was popular fifteen years ago. Or is that just what music sounds like now?
It isn’t such a stretch to think that I’ve simply fallen even more out of touch with mainstream music in recent years. But come on, this feels intentional. It feels personal.
Like it’s a punishment for all of us being poor and gay.
2) I shouldn’t have winced yesterday when the person on the treadmill next to me was running with a dead tooth. As always my karma is swift and obvious.
Today it smells like weed is seeping out of someone’s pores.
Oh wait, that’s me.
I have weed sweat.
Great.
Music:
I started writing a song with the lyrics: “I don’t want to have talent, I just want to pay the rent.”
Except I can’t get RENT and taLENT to rhyme unless I pronounce it like a MENTal case.
I think I have to scrap it.
Grammar:
I might be misusing semicolons; I like them and I’m not going to stop.
Dating:
1) I matched with a woman on Hinge who actually messaged me first, only to be swiftly unmatched when I delivered the “I like to start as friends” line.
Cool.
I have to wonder if there’s something wrong with me when it comes to dating.
I try to make it clear to everyone I talk to that I have never been able to romanticize a person I’ve only just met. But even when I think there’s a mutual understanding about this it’s almost always disregarded once we meet.
I assure you, a few hours of nursing your beer-and-a-shot special while you reconcile the fact that I’m not as cute as my profile photos but at least I’m nice to talk to – does not good chemistry make.
Maybe, if I’m not too tuckered out after a night of making you feel interesting, I’ll go home with you. But that’s becoming more infrequent as I fear that my sex drive is all but vanishing from this mortal coil.
I suppose I get it though. She must match with a lot of women who are “experimenting” with their sexuality and she’s not interested in being a training zone for straight girls.
I respect that.
Note to self: find a new line for lesbians.
2) I feel like a bad person swiping through photos of people I don’t know and making judgements about them based on so little; contrary to what one might interpret from my writing, I’m not actually a bitch.
But certain metrics can become deal breakers depending on my mood – too tall, too short, too many selfies, not enough selfies, too much info, not enough info, went to Pratt.
This is not normal. This is not how we’re meant to meet people.
Some of the greatest humans I know have the worst social media profiles (if they even have any), and unsurprisingly the inverse tends to be true as well.
So how does someone ever meet the right person through these means? Did they just play the numbers game? I certainly don’t have the energy for that.
Or were they just really good at sifting through the smoke and mirrors enough to see a person’s essence?
Please teach me.
Long Island:
The men in Bay Shore are so fine.
Did Long Island always have such good looking men? Maybe nothing’s changed except my own sensibilities. Could it be that now I want a sports watching, beer drinking, backwards cap wearing, tribal tatted Irish Italian bro?
Hmm… this is the start of my decline. Maybe I could overlook their unconscious homophobia and misogyny if I can find one with enough Catholic guilt to keep his mouth shut.
No, Bryn. What is wrong with you?
A momentary lapse in judgement I swear.
I’m sorry, this is not who I am.
I’ve been watching too much Basement Yard.
Beauty:
I think my botox might’ve been overdone. I had a feeling this would happen when my nurse injector’s face had the sheen and texture of a Polly Pocket. But a sale is a sale.
Midnight Revelation:
I’m like if entropy were a person.
Miscellaneous:
I miss Carrie Fisher.
I miss performing.
I hope this Wellbutrin will work.
I should learn to crochet.
